I Don’t Need an Answer

before the train left

Usak, why?

You knew you were only going to be in the Green Room for half a month. Why didn’t you try harder with Kazuto? And yet, I know how you felt. It’s hard to confront change within yourself, especially when you really like someone and hope they’ll love you exactly as you are. Still, it was beautiful to watch you do the one thing you wanted to do, find the courage to act. There should be a shirt that says Be Like Usak.

I don’t know if you realize it, or maybe you do, but something beautiful could have come from you and Kazuto choosing each other. Now that this first season is over, I hope you did. Or at least that you stayed in touch.

There were so many moments that made me tear up, but when you left, I couldn’t help but cry. It made me wonder if I actually have courage, or if I just tell myself that I do. Maybe what I really need is to confront these feelings I have for him and finally say them out loud. But he knows. He knows. So what more is there for me to do?

Maybe the big gesture is moving there. I know he would be happy, though he says he worries because my family would be so far away. I worry too. But I think my family would be happy to know I found someone I could be with, especially knowing I never really believed I would. The second time I was in Japan, I said I would find my soulmate there.

Baby. Love. -kun. Sweetheart. Bae. My love.

I feel like I’ve known you across lifetimes, like we found each other again in this one. This doesn’t have to be a great love story defined by cycles of almost and not-quite. Let’s find each other for real. Let’s be together.

You say I ask too many questions. But how long am I supposed to wait for you to say something that could change both of our lives? I don’t think I need the answer, I already know it. I just don’t know why I need you to tell me directly. Maybe this is me being too American. Too wrapped up in my feelings. But I don’t know how else to be. I’m an Aries, after all.

What am I supposed to do?

Maybe this is me hyping myself up, trying to be like Usak, but even more so. Saying what’s real, and not living inside the unsaid.

The last time we said goodbye, I tried to look for you one more time after I got on the train, but I didn’t see you. I’ve cried about that night every time it returns to me. I should have said more. I should have said I love you. When I got closer to the sharehouse where I was staying, I almost broke down. I had never wanted something, or someone, like this, before. Such beauty.  Such closeness.

Is this my answer?