One Step Closer
Ieshima Shrine
It’s strange how someone as beautiful and kind as Usak can feel unwanted or unnecessary, when anyone who takes even a moment to really see him would want him. Watching that, it’s hard not to replay my own life and feel the same way, not only in romance, but in so many relationships. I’ve often felt useful, but not chosen. Needed, but not wanted.
Even now, when I think about him, I want to be what he wants, what he needs.
I know I messed up when he wanted to stay with me that summer in 2024. Trust me, I wanted him to stay, too. But I don’t think he would have been comfortable with my friend coming home and sleeping in the next room. I replay that night over and over, knowing I fucked up. That same night, he told me he had a boyfriend. We had already crossed a boundary, and his staying over would have been too much. I don’t know what I was supposed to do. Still, I want him to stay with me, always. Every time we’re together. Stay with me.
Then I wonder if I’m being too difficult, waiting for him to say he wants to be with me, waiting for him to tell me to move to Japan. Maybe I should just do it. What am I waiting on? I’m not getting any younger, and the world feels like it’s falling apart. He might be the safest place I could land. Am I being too difficult? I know that if I don’t go and live there, I’ll regret it. I don’t want regrets.
I’m saying it now: just do it, J’Sun.
What’s holding you back, a dream that already feels like it’s slipping through your hands? Or could this dream, instead, be the very thing that allows you to live there, to be with him? There’s so much we need to talk about. But I keep reading his silences, the way he looks at me, the soft glances, the way we sit so close we can feel each other’s breath. There’s a knowing in the air between us, our auras mixing into a warmth only we can feel. We look at each other, wanting to say so much, and still we hold back. For no clear reason.
Am I being too difficult? Or is he? Or both of us?
Yes, Usak, those who make the move win. I need to make my move. I want him. I want to be with him. He’s everything I didn’t know I needed. I hope I am the same for him.
I’ll make a move . . . one step closer . . . one step closer into our hearts . . .