Did You Wait Long? I’ve been Waiting Forever

the moon knows

What the fuck? Why am I feeling insecure about us when we’re not even a couple?

I don’t think I’ve ever really felt insecure about anything before. Well, maybe a dance I choreographed in its early stages, but never like this. It makes me think about that dream I had; the one I don’t think I can ever share with him. I didn’t even know I could have a dream like that about someone I love.

Oh, how the mind can betray you for no apparent reason.

I kind of admire Shun for not raising his hand to work with Dai because he thought the two of them were already decided. This subtle foresight that Dai didn’t immediately understand made me realize some of the nuances and nonverbal cues that he and I are still learning from each other — and how easy it is to forfeit that understanding when frustration or insecurity gets in the way.

Even if I were feeling some kind of way, I would still have gone to work the coffee truck. I’d rather be nowhere else but with him.

Shun said, “I’m troublesome.”

My translation: Show me how to love you better.

🐼

The silence between Dai and Shun after Dai said that Shun could have handled the situation better felt like an ocean spreading between them. It was heavy.

We’ve had a couple of those moments, too, and most of the time I felt like I was the only one swimming back.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had drowned.

No reason to apologize.

Shun apologizes.

I have apologized many times for trying to show you beauty. So many times I have asked the moon about you.

When all the guys had the conversation about coming out to their parents, all I could think about was whether I would ever get to introduce you to my mom. The person I spend the rest of my life with will be the only lover who meets my mom and family.

I don’t know why I want it this way. Maybe it has something to do with me being an Aries. When we find someone deeply important to us, certain privileges are reserved for them and only them.

Huh. Such a hopeless romantic.

Yes, I wish you would tell me more often how you feel about me, that you’re thinking about me, all those things. I always miss hearing your voice, seeing your smile, and listening to your laughter.

🐼

Watching Shun and Dai, Kazuto and Alan, and Gensei and Ryota go on their private dates made me think about your birthday.

I knew I wasn’t going to see you because I knew you would be spending your birthday with your boyfriend. Still, I hoped I could do something for you the way you did for me on mine.

I had imagined the whole day: brunch with seasonal fruit, a visit to the Felissimo Chocolate Museum, hiking up to Suwa Shrine, and watching the sunset at Venus Bridge.

But you never gave me the time.

I’ve been waiting.

No reason to apologize.